написала Рону письмо недавно, пару дней назад. Было плохое настроение, апатия и полное нежелание что-то делать. А больше всего - показать Роночке, как мне херово иногда бывает. Пусть знает, что и у меня жизнь не сладкая. Сейчас перечитываю это письмо, думаю, что так красиво никогда по-английски не писала. У меня неплохо получается : )
Ещё думаю - чего писала и жаловалась? Он даже не позвонил, не побеспокоился за меня....
Кстати, ниже привожу письмо. Вот оно:
“R…O…N…A…L…D…”,
I loudly say every letter of the word while typing, trying to not to miss a letter. It is 18.07 and I am alone, sitting in my office. There are thick folders on my desk – it means I have much of work to do tonight, but the day was difficult and I don’t want to work at all… My boss is still at the office, too, upstairs, fucking a young secretary while his young wife waits for him at home with their little new-born daughter whose birth we celebrated last week. There is a radio on the floor, music pours – neither loud nor silent, but it forces my nerves to strain and I’d like to strike someone.
I am tired and angry. There are bunch of thoughts in my head – “What will I have for dinner?”, “What movie to see tonight?”, “Whom I should call?” or “How wonderful that candy was at lunch…”, most of them are everyday, some make me feel good, other – smile, other – sad. There are so many of them – one changes another and I even don’t have enough time to remember them all or, at least, finish one.
I want to eat. That’s so funny – all I do is eat. All the time. Bubble gums, candies, cookies, pies, chocolate bars… Mum recently said I need to go to fitness center, and she is absolutely right, unfortunately for me. Anyway, I am still hungry and I dream about big cake with huge layer of chocolate.Or Pizza. Or hamburger with diet “Coca”. No, with usual “Coca” – in Russia we have to diet “Coca”. Stupid country.
I’m bored. Bored… Bored… Bored... And I want to sleep.
Folders with documents still lay on the table – I didn’t even touch them today. Tomorrow my boss would be angry. Never mind – not the first time. Don’t I have a right to just sit and do nothing?
…Yesterday it was snowing and at lunch time I went to the post-office – one idiot sent me something from the US. I was truly curious who was that man when, getting the box, realized that idiot was me. I hate Russia – I myself don’t understand how much I hate this stupid country and how much I wanna leave it forever and wipe these years from my memory. Gosh, I never knew I am able to hate something so much.
I am sitting on the chair in my office hating the entire world around and more than anything, I hate to have this feeling. I hate..Hate…Hate….
Hate…Hate… Where did all the ideas about chocolate go?
Yesterday I went back to work in “Sakhalin Energy” bus again – always funny to hear the Expats speaking and also I good opportunity to talk with someone. There were two English-speaking ladies sitting right behind me and loudly talked.
- What? You cook that turkey that way? –asked one of them another.
- Yes, because otherwise there would be blood there, replied another.
I sat there attentively listening to them, and thinking… thinking about what it means to truly be a woman. If you were fucked one, you are not a woman. You were fucked 100 times – that doesn’t man you became a woman, does it? You learned how to cook and wear skirt and sexy tops. Are you already a woman? No. You learned how to charm a man, getting everything you want, but again, you didn’t become a woman.
… - Your husband… what? He shouts when you have sex? – Voices behind me became quiet and soon they whisper to each other. I tightened trying to hear every word. How silly these women are!
Sex, sex, sex…. All my female friends speak only about it - … and male, as well.
- Ahh, Annie, if you only know how good was that sex with Brian/Robert/Alex…[Ella/Debbie/Olga] ….whoever it was.
Do they really think that would make me feel jealous or sad? Silly! Sex, sex, sex….. everywhere. Every day, weekly, monthly….. Stupid country.
I am still in the bus, looked at the window. Small dirty lane… Busy people, hurrying to be at work at time. From homes, stores…with bags and packages… with folders with documents and meals for dinner… So many of them… It is slide, and one of the schoolgirl, about 10 years old, falls. Her classmates stand near and laugh, having to idea to give a hand to help her. She cries, I see her big blue eyes fill of tears – it probably was painful. Stupid country.
Folders with documents still lay on the table – I have no desire to work this night. Mum mentioned something like soup for dinner – that stupid fish soup that she didn’t learn how to cook and it smells like rank fish. I also wanted to buy milk…. Milk, milk, milk….Cows. Farm. One of my American friends said milk in Russia tastes better than the US one. Hmm, I will miss the taste of Russian milk then. J
19.29. I still type. It is so interesting – to type. What you think. What you feel. What you want. What EVER you want.
Received a call from Haylie’s parents! Yahoooooooooooooooooo!
- What? Dinner? Yes, with pleasure. Where? Which restaurant?
Restaurant… Look at myself. I am in jeans and blouse.
- No, I am very busy tonight, sorry. Yeah, I’d like to join you, but well, … Not today. Have a good time!
Why? WHY they decided to go to the restaurant today? WHYYYYYYYYYYYY? We easily could order pizza. No, this world isn’t fair! Hmm, I have a small part of woman somewhere – it is silly to stay at the office, bored, bored, bored and hungry instead of having a good dinner in “Sapporo”. Ummm, I remember that last stake there. It was so tasty! Tasty…. Delicious….
Again, remember myself in the bus yesterday. Small dirty lane. Small wood rickety houses, dirty cars standing near. Poverty. Poverty everywhere. It’s sad & boring and I want to sleep. Hmm…Couple of days ago I was sitting in the same bus and looked at the same part of the same street, and it seemed to me so nice. Life is a funny thing.
Attitude. I often hear this word. My friends sometimes like to say that everything in the world depends on my attitude. On MY attitude. MY! Sounds like I am a Queen. J
I am probably stressed or depressed – both these things are anyway good & useful – they either make you alive or dead. I choose… still choose. Choose to live or die everyday – in the morning when get up and look at mirror, at work at lunch with co-workers when they laugh at me remembering the way I talked to Buyer of another Company 10 minutes ago, in the evening, coming to parents home and watching TV, l listening to the news – sounds like everybody in the world suffer.
I suffer, too. From my stupidity & wisdom, from the words I said and those I only had in mind. Did we really come here to suffer?
19.46. These folders on the desk make me feel angry – I still have to work. Work, work, work… Shipping, purchase orders, quotations, contracts… So many of them. I am bored. I think about work. Work.. Work… At home, at work, when sleep – always think about work. I am watching a cartoon, laugh, but think about work…. Work, work…
And upstairs my boss fucks a secretary. Funny. I even cannot imagine how they do it – on a table, carpet… Funny.
I am bored.
Mum called – said she had only $50 on her account at cell phone. Stupid country. I have only $0.20 on mine. Stupid.
Kids take care of parents. Parents take care of kids. Till they are 18. 25. 30. 45. . . Stupid.
I listen to new song. It is funny, but stupid. I am bored. Tired. Hungry.
Funny. Funny. Funny. I laugh. Without a reason – do we always need a reason to laugh? Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Stupid.
Try to draw a cow on my note book. It looks more like a pig. Anyway, funny – I never painted well.
C…O…W…, I loudly say every letter of the word. Three red letters appeared near “cow-that-looks-like-a-pig”.
Security guy came. Looked at me and smiled. Handsome. Young. I know he likes me. Never mind. Leave me alone!
He left. Thought, I have too much work to do. Bye. Bye..bye…
Hate this word. Bye. Sounds like something that you say for the last time in your life. Bye, bye, bye.
F O R E V E R. . .
I am bored, bored, bored…